Depression after exiting an oppressive relationship or religious group is very common. No, it's not you, it is a wide-spread reaction after finally disentangling yourself from something that was unhealthy to your soul and spirit.
You expect to feel better now that you've gotten out. But you actually feel like crap. You even wonder if maybe 'they' were right all along, and it's YOU that is flawed.
In spiritually abusive groups, depression is often dismissed as a sign of a bad attitude or lack of faith or commitment.
But depression is not a sign of "rebellion" or "sin" or "failure to submit". Depression can be due to repressed rage that is a normal reaction to the violation of the natural boundaries of body, soul or spirit - designed to be a warning to take action to ensure personal safety. Repressing the anger (because nice, good, people-pleasing, submissive people don't "get angry", they must "keep sweet") can lead to depression. The hopelessness that "submitting more" is the only permitted response to oppression, and that any resistance whatsoever is "rebellion" can also lead to depression. Demonising depression, and castigating those who suffer it, plus using "forgiveness" to invalidate the suffering of those who are suffering abuse, and to gloss over and conceal the continuing abuses of those who abuse their power/authority, is deplorable.
Sometimes depression is defined as "anger turned inward". That would certainly be true where boundary violations and suppressed expression are concerned. Sometimes it is as a result of burn-out. Exhaustion from being forced to bear a too-heavy load exacerbates depression.
Sometimes it is tied in with the anti-climax that comes with adjusting to 'normal' life after years of the constant adrenalin rush that comes with living a driven life of performance-orientation and works-based/appearance-based religion. Being released from the constant pressure and fear of negative repercussions for non-performance or non-comliance can be a strange let down. Kind of like a post-sugar crash of coming down off a high. Depression is part of healing from relationship addiction and religion addiction as well as substance addiction.
Depression, and anger & outrage, are part of the healing process. Step by step, you will get there. After years of repressing, denying, camouflaging, censuring and censoring your feelings, to work with them, acknowledging them and accepting them, might not come easy. A counselor who understands the dynamics of recovering from spiritual abuse may be a useful source of support.
This is the first time I've ever seen depression talked about as a potentially positive thing, like a part of healing. This makes me feel so much better. I was practically catatonic with depression when I first got, well, excommunicated. After years of striving to jump through every flaming doctrinal hoop held up for me. I think I was really burned out. I felt so ashamed and demoralized by being so depressed. But, it didn't last. I got counselling. Actually I also did a women's self defence class. I think I got out a lot of suppressed aggression LOL. But getting validated, finding there were others who'd been through the whole spiritual abuse thing, that helped too.
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